Responding vs Reacting
Responding vs Reacting ™
By Bronwyn Bowery-Ireland
CEO
ICA
A belligerent samurai, an old Japanese tale goes, once challenged a Zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell. But the monk replied with scorn, “You’re nothing but a lout - I can’t waste my time with the likes of you!”
His very honour attacked, the samurai flew into a rage and, pulling his sword from is scabbard, yelled, “I could kill you for you impertinence.”
“That,” the monk calmly replied, “is hell.”
Startled at seeing the truth in what the master pointed out about the fury that had him in his grip, the samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and bowed thanking the monk for the insight.
“And that,” said the monk,”is heaven.”
pg 46, Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, 1995
My thoughts of late have been drawn to the way in which we react to different things in our life and the consequences our reactions can have. Reacting to a particular situation requires us to look deep within ourselves and to understand the triggers that have caused such a reaction. One our our Power Tools at ICA have supported me in my coaching to work really effectively with my clients to understand the difference between reacting and responding. Reacting is that flood of emotion that pours in when certain triggers ignite our fire, so to speak. We leap out and react in a range of ways that can be highly emotional.
I remember a situation once where a government body asked me to come in and work with two employees to resolve a conflict between them. I first began by speaking separately to each employee and I was amazed at what I heard. These two employees sat side by side at work and some time ago had a misunderstanding that was never clarified. They continued to work together, never clarifying their misunderstandings, but rather choosing to believe them as truths going forward. As a result they decided to react to each other by not speaking but rather sending any communication via email. Yes they physically sat side by side in an open space office. From that day forward they reacted to any communication from one another.
I found this such an extraordinary story, in that their misunderstanding had left them both with identical feelings, feelings of resentment and exclusion. So each piece of communication they received from one another was met with resentment and exclusion. They both were incredibly stressed and this was starting to effect their health.
So for these two people their emotional triggers that bought about such reactions stemmed from a moment in history, an important moment none the less for each of them.
Working from a place of responding, instead of reacting, is so much more powerful. When we respond to a situation, we can openly express how we feel, discuss the issues objectively and move forward in a very proactive, empowering way. This is different from dumping our emotions when reacting to talking about how we feel when responding. It also makes the process less personal. We are not attacking the receiver of the message but rather working with them to ensure the communication channels are clear and open, checking in every now and again to ensure our message is understood or grasped.
As the Zen master explained above, we can either choose to live in heaven or hell. Living in heaven is all about respecting and valuing those around us and having a goal that is about always aiming to project what you yourself want to receive.